What To Do When You Can’t Get It Up

Surviving The Epic Fail of the Bedroom

Perhaps you’re nervous, tired, or drunk. Perhaps you’re just not that into her. Or maybe it’s your first time with this super hot chick that you’ve somehow managed to persuade into your bedroom, the pressure is on, and then … nothing. Your Dr. Jekyll decides to Mr. Hyde, and the only thing that’s hard in this bed is how hard your woman is trying to hide the disappointment on her face.

Not being able to deliver the goods when your girl is wet and waiting is the epic fail of the bedroom. If this is the first time it’s happened with her and she’s a good woman, she will be reassuring and low-key about it. But if this has happened more than three times with the same girl, then she’s probably pretty concerned. And if this is the first time you’ve ever had sex with this girl and all you give her is a limp handshake, you may not get a second chance.

However, none of these scenarios are hopeless. Whatever the reason for your failure to launch, women understand that there are times when your junk just don’t work. This happens to the best of them, and most women know that fatigue, stress, and alcohol can ruin the fun. The truth is women want to forgive those rare moments when you’re having a hard time cocking your piece. And if you handle it the right way, she’ll be more than happy to forget this ever happened. The following are a few things you can do to regain your manhood when your little man can’t rise to the occasion.

Don’t Blame Her

We’ve heard the excuses: “I’m tired, work is stressing me out, I can’t use condoms, I just like you too much,” and whether or not we believe them, we will accept them as long as the blame doesn’t fall on us. No matter how confident the woman is, when a man can’t fuck her, she feels unfuckable. So it’s imperative to remind her that whatever the reason you can’t get it up, it’s not her fault.

Don’t Force It

In the moment of defeat, it’s probably better to call it a loss than try for an instant comeback. You’re probably in your head now, so it’s not likely your mini-manhood will be able to penetrate anything until you’ve allowed ample time to get past the embarrassment. The worst thing you can do is try again before you’re ready and disappoint a second time.

Finish The Job

I know it’s difficult not to become self-absorbed when your junk ain’t functioning right, but you must not forget that you have an aroused and now frustrated woman lying next to you.

So as not to leave her feeling unlovable and blue-balled (blue-pussied?), you need to finish what you started. Penis penetration need not be present to deliver the goods to your deserving woman. The ultimate success is to get her to orgasm, and I know you have ways to accomplish this. Get the job done, and get it done right.

Do Better Next Time

So the unfortunate night happened, you didn’t blame the woman, got her off anyway, and she has stuck around to give you another chance. Hopefully, you’ve taken the time between the incident and your next attempt at intercourse with her to figure out what went wrong and course correct.

The second chance is the moment of reckoning. This is when you need to dig deep into your primal masculinity and find the confidence of a powerful beast about to consume its prey. This is not the time for gentle sex. You need to reestablish your dominance and show her you can still take her. If you don’t think you’re head is in the right place to break her with your cock of steel, then postpone sex until you know you’ve got this.

Be Preemptive

There are always sexual encounters with higher stakes, like the time you lose your virginity, or your wedding day, or the second chance after an epic fail. These are moments when you might be nervous, and we all know people perform better at sex when they feel relaxed and confident.

There is no shame in using performance enhancers every once in a while. Most primary care doctors would be more than willing to give you a script for Viagra to stash away for such occasions. There’s also a great new service called Hims where you can fill a script online. Pop one of those babies an hour before you bring your woman to bed, and you will rock her world with your stiff cock. And in the process, her screams of pleasure will make you feel like such a stud that you won’t need pills next time around.

See A Doctor

If you find you’re reaching for those pills more often than not, then it’s time to see a doctor. Erectile dysfunction could be a symptom of an underlying health condition such as heart disease, high blood pressure, an enlarged prostate, depression, sleep disorders, or closeted gayness. There are also lifestyle changes you can make to improve your virility such as quitting smoking, drinking less, dropping the extra pounds, and leaning into your masculinity even though the world seems to be telling you that’s toxic. Don’t believe the feminist propaganda. All women want a man who can fuck her like Don Draper fucks a mistress.


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